There was a time when my sense of right and wrong and good and bad were clear. It has changed so much now that I find it difficult to even voice this reflection without putting a ‘quite’ or ‘more-or-less’ before that clear. I am not clear about anything anymore. For a while I was aware of confusion descending on me. But I comforted myself that out of confusion comes the real clarity. No, not yet, at least.

It feels strange. It seems that I am observing the changes that happen to me, around me, passively, many times instinct warning me against the change or doubting it, but I just let them occur. But after the change has taken place and it is there in its semi-permanent (another change again, right?) state, I am powerless under its burden. Are you with me?

So, once I had the tendency to evaluate things critically from my point of view, which was also the common view in my social circle and express opinions accordingly. Sometimes I was blunt if I was too familiar with the subject and object, but many times I meant to be gentle and polite with my expression. At least I thought that was the thing to do – to evaluate and voice gently. (What I ended up doing might have been different!)

Slowly I began to see differences in the views and ways of different sections of that circle. For a while I was distressed by that shift. My evaluation was not agreed upon. Had to make allowances, be over-tolerant and yielding. It was a period of turmoil.

Then I started thinking that one should be flexible and be considerate of differences. More conflict, agitation. I kept telling myself that I should be open-minded and accepting. I had an innate resistance and so the acceptance or so-called flexibility was very artificial and superficial and I kept seeing conflicts. And then there was this fear of offending the differing party which got stronger and stronger. I was observing all this fully aware that I will face problems due to this complaisance, that I will have to defend my position and that this change itself will dumb me into inaction. Slowly I lost the capacity to discern.

Is this what happened to the world around too? Concerned about political correctness and not the issue? Instead of solving a problem, we are being evasive, hoping for it to resolve by itself, with time, with some other changing external/ internal factors. Truth, Integrity and trustworthiness are all ambiguous.

Personally, when I am faced with an issue – a matter that is in dispute, I see many ways of addressing it – each one good in some particular way, I cannot say which is the “right” way. Worse, I cannot say that something is “wrong”. What is agreeable to x is not agreeable to y. I am with x and also with y. And I prevaricate. A blogger notes that people should have the courage to be more discerning and speak out when they see things that are wrong – how do you say something is wrong? I am also puzzled, sad or scornful when others say this is clearly wrong or definitely right. This I think is the consequence of what I call Relativism. So I end up being a fence-sitter, a sceptic or a nonpartizan!

Would love to hear your thoughts that can make mine coherent.